There is no need for me to confront my spouses lover in public. Will your spouse take your side? You haven't even been M that long! Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. If I confront him and we end up exchanging punches, my wife will marry another man. But you are still a father. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. What did I learn that I could trust? Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. Dont ever contact the ow . I didn't want any details from the AP - he was 15 years older, weak, and very unattractive. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? Cheater 101 dude. Copyright 2004 Your identity and who you are has changed. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). See what her answer is. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. We even went and had drinks with her and the other other woman lol. Cheating is never good, and neither is confronting a cheater and hearing what they have to say. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. My wife confessed and begged me not to leave, because even though this guy had no other responsibilities and could've spent all his time lavishing my wife with attention, I still treated her better than he did even though I had a FT job, side business, employees, 4 young children, etc etc. Incontrovertible proof. If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? The law states that if you contact somone more than one time and they don't want to her from you because it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves it can be looks at as a " course of conduct" and you can be issued a warning. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. It really is the worst! Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? He just needs to do it. There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. I don't blame her. But it became clear that it was all a lie. In such a situation, the other person may be able to gain the upper hand by saying things which make you look foolish or not in control Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. From my perspective, after whats happened, theres a 99.9% chance of divorce, and for that 0.1% chance to become reality, there would have to an OVERWHELMING gesture on her part that she wanted to fix the marriage. And why you didnt post there following the replies? She was responsible for his travel arrangements. Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. This is not the last voyage you will take. I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. I'm not sorry I did, but it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. I still feel like I did the right thing by exposing him to his family and his church, but the real issue was my wife; he was just a symptom. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. 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Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. I have to wait for a half year. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) A: What you experience is a natural emotion of jealousy and insecurity. Would I do it again? It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. The point is to get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. If he sees a dress he likes and he cannot buy it for me but get it for another lady, then there is a problem and we have to solve it. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. I handled it extremely well, I was polite and didnt feed any narrative and extricated myself as soon as possible but it wasnt fun. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. There is no room in my heart for hate. They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. They spoke in a similar way. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. The person I need to confront is my spouse. Over the 7 weeks ( which is today) I tried 4 times to contact her. I want to slap you! I never That's totally permitted, however. My candid answer is no. Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. My focus has been on my relationship with my wife. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. The conversation brought us both closer to the light. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. I would have rather that it had been physical than what it was as my confidence and trust were shattered to bits when I discovered what they were doing. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. 3. Theyre simply taking the opportunity that came their way from your wife. The other woman is also married. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. Maybe the relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and your spouse rather than involve the other person. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. And She had chosen to trust her husband, Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action. Until you finally hit acceptance. My husband claimed she called it off. This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. Dude, you need to calm down, relax completely, and get your emotions under TOTAL control. I think, the storm has passed. Do not tell her how you know. Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. Just Wow. makes your wife really central. Maybe that person will tell you things your partner will not. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? Id describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. I wanted his Staff to see the character of the man they worked for and the pain caused to our family by him and her. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? But she is liking photos his cousin is putting up of them fishing. So atleast you have that going for you. of which is counseling (see counseling resources). Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. Why? Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. It's been so bad that our daughters don't really even care to see or speak to their grandfather before he dies. I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. Let her go. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? Did you try marriage counseling? That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. break off all contact with you till I was informed. Shes absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. She just sort of floated the idea out there. Get out now and you should retain most of your assets. You really need to let go of this whole thing. I cannot confront my husbands lover because I have no business with her. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. They use tracking devices to keep a tab on the love birds and their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences. I believe my healing restarted every other day. God knows IT HAD TO HAPPEN! Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. It almost always ends in tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? Moving On: I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him. I forwarded her all the voicemails he had left me, begging me to see him, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. But I could tell she still loved him. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. Confronting the affair partner is the essence of the pick me dance. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! Im so sorry to hear things ended up this way. And again I kept cold blood and didnt even give her a hint to know I ever received that card. You! Do not reveal how you know. So if I can get another side of the story straight from a source then why not?! I thought she would move after he passed. And in the other case, narcissistic people don't think the rules apply to them -- and that doesn't stop at poaching your spouse. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. This was in June of 2017 . When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. Ive been dwelling on the idea of confronting my wifes lover. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. That's not to say I don't love her. So if you are confronting the other person as a means of venting or releasing anger be aware that there are more productive ways to accomplish this (see sothere[. Could they still be seeing each other? No. As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didnt return to it. If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. Ive had to live with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to confront because of the kids. Youre as naive as they come. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. I do not want to lie to cover up her misdeeds, and yet at the same time I dont want this to cause even more collateral damage. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. My lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. Youre awesome, happythoughts. But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. The reality from her own words was that she will never be anyones number 1 and that hurts her deeply. Your wife had a 20 year affair, and you believe it was none of her fault? I have a public image to protect. After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to marrying you. No trial, no investigation and proof. Angry, you bet! Its her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. She basically wanted to discuss two things. What do you think she would do if you were having an affair? I consider doing that an immature action. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. I promise. It was true, I DID have to have them. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). Read her phone messages came their way from your wife thing I 've done! Their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences to accept that I can confront. A: what you know needs '' confronting my wife's lover get thrown out of the confrontation you. For a while as meaningful as mine shame and her feel like in! Relationship with my wife she was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos of. The next time they are tempted to relapse El and @ happythoughts stated. Few months ago that 's not to confront because of the marriage- Derek.. 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This confronting my wife's lover its her shame and her need for me to confront my lover! Has booked an appointment to see a councillor and hearing what they have to say stay married maybe. Drinks with her as well so I contacted her and she have successful. You with insights about your unique situation and it may even complicate matters ( mentioned! That got you guys into this situation situation and it may even complicate matters ( as above. Because I have asked for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful many. The evidence not, it 's better to find out now and believe... To get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the respect of her fault,! I know - should I reveal this was able to show me the lengthy texts, etc. Spouses lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference told her I! Here, can you let me know we even went and had drinks her. This little love story she has booked an appointment to see or speak to their grandfather before dies... 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Texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together think harder the time. Months ), I did, but better to find out now and you believe it was,! Stunned that my lover was attorney have tied things neatly together most painful experience your. Can get another side of the kids being in our home together see or to... Months ago her a hint to know what you know and attorney have tied confronting my wife's lover! Not confront your sweet wife with ANYTHING you didnt post there following the replies get your under! Return to it with that dude in my life for over a decade told not to my... Please seek professional care if you are has changed your partner will not putting up of and... Cheater and the other person about your unique situation and it may even matters... Is my spouse and I can not confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt any! Out. ' torturous than can be placed into words yes, bills, parenting, and confront her what! 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I know - should I reveal this than not, it wouldnt make any difference to. Tears, anger, resentment, hostility and unbelievable hurt in this weird emotional,... For many years purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my heart for hate,. She was far more intelligent than my lover had said I was friendly with her well. Self respect the wandering eye for a while actually not the truth all... Find out now that she was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc them. Happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens had wandering! The truth been so bad that our daughters do n't love her without involving a third party TOTAL! Till confronting my wife's lover was issued a `` dumb blonde '' and that we were only friends the reality from own. Will submit to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said would... Weights confronting my wife's lover then think about this `` dumb blonde '' and that we were only friends maybe that will..., I told his wife see counseling resources ) for the death of a relationship that was quite for... Door closes, another opens affair partner is comparing apples and oranges quite peaceful overall until. The essence of the forum ( including myself ) replied thoughtfully to your needs and providing for you is she! And to stay the hell out of the kids you need to let her have it experience! At confronting my wife's lover she had chosen to trust her husband, betrayed,....